I tried. I really did. I stopped writing yesterday's post and I immediately went to engage, with gratitude, with my kids. It worked for an hour or so and then it just didn't work at all.
I broke down in sobbing tears last night to Alex. You know the kind where you can barely breathe? Yes, that was me. Bawling on the couch in a miserable, pathetic ball of sadness.
I genuinely feel like I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of being with my kids all day in this house. I feel trapped and bored out of my mind. I feel like I have a thousand mindless tasks of pouring drinks and wiping bottoms all day and it is making me nuts. I'm out of patience and I'm fresh out of joy.
The guilt over my frustration is literally multiplying by the moment and creating such a weight that I feel like I can barely move. I'm sad for me and I'm sad for my kids. We are not a happy bunch.
You know what I think it comes down to? The source of most of my frustration?
Stella's two naps.
Yes, the sweet baby girl is now the source of all my misery. OK, a little dramatic, but seriously, this is my issue. My unsolvable, must just wait it out, issue.
She goes to sleep at 9 am for her first nap and sleeps until around 11...right when the boys need lunch. She goes down for a second nap around 1 or so....right when the boys need their rest time. She and the boys are ready to go around 3 or 3:30, which is a great time to go do something except for the fact that this is the time of day that Cole basically can't function out of the house without a massive breakdown.
(If I had any enthusiasm in me at all I would have written about Cole's melt down in the line at WalMart yesterday. It was major. It also was what I wanted to do after spending an hour with the people of WalMart...they are a scary, very overweight, poor customer service bunch.)
Now bring on the solutions. (Though be forewarned that all over-simplified, dismissive-of-my-emotions, problem solving will be met with either more tears from me or an angry blog post about sensitivity.)
I feel like I have made a valiant, though fruitless, effort to figure out this problem to save all of our sanity. I am literally at the mercy of her body needing two naps a day and partially at the mercy of Cole's body finally being able to function from 7 am until at least 7 pm without a nap. I think I have to wait it out.
Unfortunately I'm just not sure I can wait without completely losing my mind.
At the very least I need warm weather so we can go outside. (Sorry northern people for complaining about our brief phase of below 50 degree weather.)
I need some neighbors with kids that are actually home during the day so my kids can play. (All my neighbors work so kids are all gone during the days.)
I need quick options, that don't cost money, to engage my kids outside of this house. I need a few hours to myself outside of the "rest time" that mostly consists of me trying to convince Cole that he will rest in one location and be quiet. Hmmmm....maybe Cole is more my problem.
*Maybe I just need to suck it up until this summer when Stella will potentially move to one nap and give us our mornings to exist in the world.
*Maybe I need to be forced to have some real problems so that I learn to appreciate the fact that my worst problem is being trapped in my large, heated house which is filled with food and healthy adorable kids.
*These are examples of exactly the type of dismissive problem solving that will piss me off.
Maybe I just need a break. I am going to the gym to run to angry rap music that makes me feel powerful and potentially prettier. That should feel good.