Friday, February 4, 2011

Mom of Envy

Alex just left and I feel filled with envy.   I'm envious of his ability to leave the house this morning with purpose, with people to talk to and not a stitch of Target clothing.

It's frigid cold outside so I should be feeling grateful that I could stay in my pajamas all day if I want to avoid real clothes.  I should feel grateful that I can play all day long with my three adorable children if  I want to skip all household chores.  I should feel grateful, but I just feel envy. Envy and boredom.

I've been hanging around the house a lot lately and I'm all filled up on time with adorable children.  I have watched enough Disney movies while snuggling.  I've played Memory, Candy Land and checkers and sadly, lost more than I can handle. I have read stories and played play-doh.  I have colored pictures of superheros and pretended to be on a pirate ship while I cook and clean and honestly it makes me want to cry to think of doing it again today. 

Today is a snow day for most of the Austin area since we had a little ice and an inch of snow (go ahead and laugh my northern readers,) but my husband went out the door to work.  I am here bored out of mind again alone.

I'm left answering the perpetual question from Aiden and Cole, "when will Daddy be home?"  I am feeling bored enough that I might start making up answers.  Nothing tragic, just something more exciting than, "after you are in bed."

I want to put on my non-Target clothes (I think I still have some,) and leave for a job to be done that does not require me to explain how a cell phone works or why Santa didn't leave presents this morning since it snowed or why people put blankets on their outside plants. 

I want to swing by Starbucks while I contemplate a problem I have to tackle that day, but that I will be able to more or less leave when it is time to return home.  I want to be on the greener grass for a few days. 

I am grateful that I can stay home, but a combination of a two nap a day baby, cold weather and two little boys that are desperate for more to do is making me nuts.  I have even checked out some stay at home mom blogs that list great indoor activities....which all make me want to barf.  I don't want to make puppets or build a fort.  I want to wallow in a little mini-depression at my isolation and then have it magically get better without any effort from me.  Healthy, right?

Yesterday I was venting to my mother, not a good idea, and she basically told me to get over it.  Not the most loving advice, but perhaps she's right.  My situation isn't changing, I might as well change my attitude....make lemonade from lemons, grow where I'm planted, a penny saved is a penny yearned, (yes, that doesn't really apply, but I am saving money by not going anywhere.)

I've broken my stay at home mom rule of getting dressed everyday so that I feel more like a person and I think I'm breaking it again today.  This is probably not a good idea for morale.  I should at least go put on a bra. I'd feel more human with a bra on while I attempt to show joy at making a fort or watching Micky Mouse.

OK, I'm going to attempt to change my attitude and see if sudden joy and gratitude fills me up.  Or, I am going to hide in the corner with this laptop and pretend I have work to do. Or just hide in the corner. 

Must make lemonade.  Must make lemonade.

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