Monday, February 7, 2011

I'm Healed! But I Still Have A Little Bone To Pick

OK, fear not people, I am down from my ledge of sorrow.  I'm fine.  I'm actually feeling pretty good.

I love that so many of you reached out and let me know your suggestions and concern via comments on Facebook, here, and emails.  My favorite suggestions involved  me taking on a foreign exchange student, spending time among more children and meditating.  I'm not doing any of those, but it made me feel better to just read these ideas and laugh at them. (No offense intended that I am laughing at your ideas.)

I got a lot of suggestions for girl's night out and getting a babysitter for Alex and me to go get wild and crazy out on the town.  I had some people suggest new rules for the kids so that I could better manage the day.  I probably could use all of these from time to time so thanks for the reminder.

I did receive a few emails about appreciating the time that I have with all three of them here at home rather than complaining about it.  Good point, do I put this without sounding mean?

Well forget it, I'll just sound how I feel. 

(Warning, I am about to be unpleasant for a few paragraphs on behalf of all young mothers.)

Shut up!

I know that these times are precious and I fully agree that someday I will long desperately for my little baby to want me to hold her instead of going to sleep. I have little doubt that all too soon Aiden and Cole will find me annoying rather than desperately want me to be part of every single action they take, and it will hurt. Someday, I will miss their giggling and enthusiasm for Curious George and loathe their passion for talking back and missing curfew.

But that isn't today. Today is hard too.  I have three little kids that I am in charge of 24 hours a day and it is mentally and physically and emotionally exhausting. I am no different from other moms that have been doing it forever. I am not the first person to be annoyed and overwhelmed. I realize that, I really do.

This is my time to do it though and don't tell me it isn't hard. Don't tell me I can't cry about it or feel like I want to push it away for a while. It might be over for you, you might be sleeping all night and doing crazy things like going to the bathroom without three people following you, but I'm not and it just is too much sometimes.
I am really feeling better now.  Wow, had to get that out.

My genuine favorite comment?  No sarcasm here...I was told that sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of another. No dismissing my feelings, just a really fantastic truth. Despite the weight of my feet last week, the profound, overwhelming sadness and frustration I felt about my daily responsibilities.....this is true.   This is so painfully true.
I could explain the ins and outs of why I felt so deeply these emotion that most of us feel on some level every day, but it doesn't really matter. It was a bad week for me, that's all it was.  I'm not a fantastic mom when I feel like that.  I need to do better.   I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I had to find something else to occupy my brain other than the extreme frustration I felt.  I hung pictures, I exercised, I sat in the sunshine in my yard while my baby discovered grass and it was wonderful.  I had to push through all the annoyances of my life as a mom, because it isn't changing and this is where I want to be.

Well, that's not true, it is always changing.  I have found that raising children is always hard, but if you wait a little while it will change the way it is hard, just enough to make you feel OK again with tackling the job.  Thank God. 

So today, I can say with almost 85% certainty that I won't be in the fetal position in my closet when Alex comes home tonight.  Maybe 80%....OK, maybe I really should get a foreign exchange student.


Silver Pennies & Photography said...

I'm feel'n ya girl. My theory is we are so emotional because we haven't slept!!!!!!!! It will all be better (and we will be better equipped to deal if not) if we could just get a little shut eye. So that's my wish for you. Sleep. I hope it happens for you.

KateR said...

Thanks for sharing your story! I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. We all go through these times, I think, and it's important to acknowledge that and not just try to sweep it under the rug. And to know that we're not alone.
You actually inspired my latest post on my own blog!

The Mommy Therapy said...

Thanks for the nod in your blog post Kate...I feel honored! Things are much better here this week. Sometimes that's all it takes, a little time.