Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Shoe Explosion

I just freaked out on my boys about putting on their shoes.  I mean, FREAKED out. (No physical action of course.) My throat hurt after I yelled.  It sounds so ridiculous.  Isn't this the way it goes though? You think you are normal, emotionally stable, and then someone refuses to find and put on their light-up spider man shoes while someone else whines about possession of a boat and next thing you know you're screaming and retreating to your bedroom to cry on the floor.  Please say this isn't just me. 

I actually went into my room and laid down to cry for a few minutes. It felt good, but it also felt very weak.  I felt like I was at the mercy of two little boys rather than the one in charge.  I know I shouldn't have screamed.  I know I should have stopped crying and just walked back in to calmly discuss the situation, but I just couldn't right away. I needed my moment of insanity to help me feel sane again.  I held Stella and just cried.  She found it amusing, which only worried me further...even the baby is working against me.

I had been feeling a lot better about our discipline and behavior strategies around here recently while reading my new book on how to talk to my kids.  I felt more calm and in control, and less likely to explode at a moments notice.  But the last few days have been emotionally draining for a myriad of reasons and there is little doubt in my mind that my children have felt and  been at the mercy of my emotional frailness.  This new book is all about explaining and identifying feelings, but today I couldn't handle going through a 10 step process to get Cole to put on his damn shoes so we could leave. I think my screams and tears adequately described my feelings for them.  Mommy is freaking mad, and so very frustrated it makes her cry.

Yesterday Aiden spilled a giant mug of hot cocoa all over Cole and the floor.  Aiden didn't make a move to clean it up because he was watching a movie.  Instead of going to get a towel (which he definitely knows how to do,) he periodically called my name to come to him....while I was trying to feed Stella in the kitchen. When I finally could get to him, he didn't even look away from the movie, he simply said, "it spilled," while pointing to the table.Then he was so bold as to ask me if I could get a towel and some more hot cocoa for him.  The only thing that could have made it worse would have been if he slapped my ass after telling me what to do.  Who raised this kid? 

I want more logic and reason than my children are equipped to understand right now.  I want them to know that treating me like their slave is not ok, without having to be the one to teach them this.  It doesn't work like that though, I am painfully aware of this.  If I want them to be respectful, kind and, well, not freak out when things go wrong I should probably step up the example I am setting.  I do like to think though that seeing me affected by their apathy and disrespect is not all bad.....perhaps a little compassion will come along with their future need for serious therapy? 

I did eventually pull it together.  I came out and apologized to the boys for freaking out and calmly explained that I needed their cooperation.  We then all traveled to the gym where I got to run while Eminen, Dr. Dre and Kanye West blasted expletive lyrics in my ears to a steady beat as I ran on the treadmill.  It was beyond therapeutic, 100% essential to my ability to deal with the rest of this day. I think I might even be able to make it until bedtime without crying on my bedroom floor again...I think. 

2 comments:

LimeTreeFoods said...

Don't worry because all of us with kids have been there, and if you say you haven't I might quietly call you a liar (or maybe just overmedicated).

It happens, kids happen and shit happens and some days are easier than others. We love our children with all our heart and it's a good thing they're so darn cute, right?! But you nailed it...sometimes the best therapy is Dr. Dre and a long run on the Dreadmill. And if that doesn't work you can come down to my house for some cake balls... Sue K.

Missy @ It's Almost Naptime said...

I've never, ever lost it the way you did.

Oh wait, yes I have, about once a day for the last 7 years. The up side to complete mommy disasters is that they make really good blog posts. :)