Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Cole Watches Me Go Potty

During my pregnancy with Stella, the boys were extremely interested in my body.  Admittedly there was a lot to be in awe, and confusion, about during that time.  My swollen belly and breasts alone were frequent topics in the house. 

But, my need to pee about every 20 minutes, and my children's constant close proximity, brought on the question about why I am anatomically different than they are with such frequency that I barely thought about it when they mentioned it anymore.  But, now it's been six months since Stella arrived and the questions about my body have significantly dropped.  In fact, I don't think I've heard either child mention my "pachina" in a while. 

So today, I took Cole to the library and had to make a trip to the restroom.  He's very proud of his new ability to stand up and pee so of course he did that.  Then, it was my turn to go and....well, I won't sit down on a public toilet so I squatted. Bad move.

I guess Cole hadn't been paying attention in the public restroom for a while because he was infatuated with what was happening.  He immediately stuck his head around near my behind to see if he could see how the pee was "coming out of my bottom."

I quickly said it wasn't coming out of my bottom, which wasn't clear enough because he moved in front of me to check for my penis.  Seriously, so grateful it was an empty restroom.  He was very perplexed when he couldn't see my penis, so I stated again that mommy doesn't have a penis, I have a vagina.

He quickly moved back to his original theory that pee came out of mommy's bottom.   I know it sounds like this was the longest pee in history, but this all was actually really fast.  Cole can ask a lot of questions, very quickly.  He also wasn't really listening to any of my answers so he didn't have to waste time trying to process any information. 

I guess my pee was split into two streams or something like that....I am aware that this is much more information than you would ever want about my urine, but it's an important detail to explain what Cole says to me later. 

So he asks why I have two pees. I didn't really get it, I was done and I was ready for our "conversation" to be over.  We wrap things up, wash our hands and leave the restroom.

As we are passing the children's reference desk, surrounded by approximately 8 people, Cole decides he has figured out the reason why my pee was in two streams.  He shouts, literally shouts, because he really is very loud by nature and gets more loud when he's excited, which he apparently was about having figured this out.  "Mommy, why do you have TWO penises?" 

Dear God.  I swear I heard the sound of a record scratch, followed by complete silence.  The reference desk crowd half giggled, half stared in confused disgust. One of the disgusted was another mom of young kids (or had stolen young kids to accessorize her really well put together cold weather outfit) which made me want to tell Cole to go over and ask her how many penises she had. 

I'm not sure what I was thinking because I simply giggled and said, "Cole, I don't have two penises." 

Really?  I couldn't rephrase that to make it sound less like I was a transvestite?  I could say that I don't have a penis.  I could say that I have a vagina, not two penises.  I could say a lot of things that would make me sound a lot more normal, but I didn't choose those.

Oh well, sorry Carmel Public Libray. 

So, apparently Cole thought my two miniature penises, which come out of my bottom, shoot my pee in two streams.  This is just disturbing and of course drastically inaccurate. We'll have an overview of girl vs. boy parts later. He did recently ask me what boy nipples are for if he can't feed a baby and I didn't have a good answer.....but I recently read the answer in Parents magazine and never followed up with Cole.

I think I need a PowerPoint presentation put together to cover all this.  I wonder if that lady at the reference desk knows PowerPoint?


Philip said...

Oh my god, I choked drinking my coffee while reading this. Stellar writing!

sarahfin said...

I'm dying laughing...thanks for sharing1

The Mommy Therapy said...

Thanks for reading!

Kristen, Rockwall, Tx said...

I have never laughed so hard! Thanks for making this stressed-out mom's night!!