Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I want to go home.  I am in a funk and that is the only thing that sounds good right now.  It is the only thing I can think of that would instantly cure my blues....besides winning the lottery which sounds like just a whole heap of fun, and I could probably then afford to go home and pay for a nanny to help get my three kids there alive. I'm not going home right now, but I have a whole list of wants running through my mind about why I want to be there and what I want to do.

I want to walk into my childhood home and have my father correct my grammar in the middle of a serious or sad story.  I want to sit in my parent's kitchen and eat cereal and look out their back window to watch Aiden and Cole play some random game with my Dad on their tennis court that has nothing to do with tennis.  I want to listen to my Mom coo and giggle at Stella while asking me mildly insulting questions about my parenting like, if I watch the boys when they are riding bikes in the street, or if I ever thought about serving vegetables at dinner. 

I want to walk through the woods and wear long sleeves and jeans because it's November and that's just what you are supposed to be able to do this time of a year unless you are on vacation or going through menopause with hot flashes.  I want to buy a Colts shirt for my boys and some sort of ridiculous onesie for Stella because they are easy to find there and impossible to find here. I want to see the leaves turn colors and fall all over the place and then have the boys jump in them without ever wondering if they should watch out for fire ants.

I want to call Alissa and meet her at Starbucks to talk about everything and nothing for a few hours and feel healed after a conversation with someone that's known and loved me forever.  I want hear Sara's laugh and think about all the times that sound made me feel better.  I want to confide in Julie and know that there won't be a moment of judgement or a chance of leaking my craziest thoughts to world to be made fun of at any time. I want dinner with Laura and Stephanie to remind me that I can do anything, that I'm a good Mom, but that more importantly, I'm still a good person.  I want to go out with all my sorority sisters and hear about their lives and remember how fun it was to live with them all and watch all of them turn into amazing women. I to run into someone from high school at Target and be taken back to 15 years ago and then be happy I'm not there anymore.

I want to be able to leave my children with my Dad so my Mom and I can go shopping for one thing and come home with 5, an hour after we said we'd be home, so I can see what type of drama my father can create to try to make us feel sorry for him.  I want to watch my kids run around my parents paradise of a cul-de-sac with all 10 of the little boys that live there and are unbelievable kind and sweet to them, knowing there is a strange safety there that we just don't have where we are right now. 

I want irrational, but unconditional support around me at all times. I don't want to have to put the kids to bed alone again, which creates more tears for all of us than there needs to be lately.  I want my Mom to make me dinner so I don't have to think about the 17th meal for the week, how we are going to pay for it and how I'm going to have time to make it with three children at my feet.  I want clean clothes to magically appear on my bed or in my drawer like they do for the rest of my family 365 days a year.  (Thank you Mom!)  I want my Dad to bring me Starbucks and bagels in the morning just because I asked and not even mention me paying him back for a drink that costs a ridiculous $5.  I want my parents to hug me and my brother to come home and tell me I can do anything.  I want to stay up drinking wine with him and listen to him talk like I'm smarter and better than I think I am and know that he means it, but still be amazed by it.  I miss my family.

For now though, I am at my new home.  I am waiting for a baby to wake up from a nap she finally gave in to taking.  I am plotting how to pick up my boys, nurse the baby, pick up new license plates for my minivan and return a cable box before anyone starts screaming or whining too much that I start screaming or whining.  I am staring at a very messy house and trying to remind myself that maybe it isn't the most important thing right now.  I'm desperately searching my soul for some peace about the list of ridiculous tasks, like vacuuming, that is sitting next to me and I have no desire to work on right now.  I'm stuck at this computer trying to remove whatever funk is in me so that I can get excited about the good things here.  There are lots of good things here, lots.  Right now though, I miss my family and I'm thinking I should go get that lottery ticket.  It could happen, right?


Anonymous said...

It could happen! I miss Indiana too and I don't even have that kind friendship or support there! It is a wonderful place to be and to live. You will get to visit again and you will survive this time, you will. You are blessed to have so many dear things to miss!

Laura Haehl said...

Sad. But I bet a lot of people feel that way!