Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Good Luck Honey....I Guess I'll Wait Here

It's one of those mornings. Alex just left for work, which by itself and create a feeling of sadness. He has a big presentation today which he's been preparing for the last few days. He's so focused on it that he has been coming home very late, leaving early, and been on the computer when he is home, ignoring all other our barking dog in the backyard that woke me up at 6:30 this morning because he wanted to be let in, annoying. As I kissed him goodbye (yeah, I still kissed him, it might be the only adult interaction I get all day,) and wished him luck, I felt that periodic stab of jealousy I get when I am reminded of our current roles.

Alex has something big going on today. He has a challenge. He has been working his brain to figure out how to intelligently put together information for other intelligent adults. There will be discussions, witty conversation (possibly,) and maybe even cocktails, (probably not, but in my vision everyone is drinking a martini during the meeting like a scene straight out of Mad Men.) He is showered and dressed and looks oh so very attractive at 7 am. He really is very attractive, I should have married down to help my self esteem. He filled his cool coffee thermos (yes, even feeling envious of his beverage container) that he will drink while driving and not think for a moment about how he is going to reach to replace a lost pacifier, hand someone a tissue, or break up a fight. He walked out the door, casually denying my handmade lunch with a comment of, "everyone will probably going out to lunch after the meeting." He gets to dine out too!?!? I felt like throwing his turkey, havarti and spinach at his nicely combed hair. Ugh.

This big day for him felt like a punch in my stomach. I felt like such a stark contrast to everything about him as I stood in mismatched clothes, with a leaking milk stain on my breast, trying to evenly pour bowls of honey combs so as to not ignite a catastrphoic fight between our boys, knowing that this distribution of processed food might be as much of a mental workout as I get today. I might have to match some straws to sippy cups, which is a ridiculously difficult task, but otherwise I'm stuck making peanut butter sandwhiches, trying to figure out how to keep Cole from violently biting Aiden, and worrying about the flatness of my baby's head. Dear Lord, please don't make me get a helmet for my daughter.

My feelings of inadequacy were only amplified by the fact that this morning I sat down with a cup of coffee to look at my latest issue of InStyle magazine. (This is not normal, but since the dog barking woke me up I actually had a few moments of peace. It was truly only a few minutes.) As much as I loved the styles and beautiful hair and makeup of the women, I was most envious of their look of purpose. They all looked like they were on their way to a vital meeting about their new line of clothing or at least a high profile cocaine deal....I was so jealous. Yes, I know that I have purpose, a huge purpose, but for today I would really love for mine to involve more high level strategizing and less poop. I don't want to color birthday thank you's to teach my 3 year old gratitude for the generous gifts he was given for his birthday. I don't want to pretend that my kitchen pantry is a grocery store so that the boys can sell me back my own canned goods...though this is pretty cute when it doesn't start a fight over a can of baking powder. I don't want to search for an hour and a half for the Robin figure (which Cole calls Roger) so that he can help Batman fight a fire, because that's not even really what Batman and Roger were created to help with, they do crime, not arson. But, I will.

I know Alex would love to be here instead of in a meeting, (most of the time.) I also know that I should probably be cherishing these days instead of loathing so many of them for their drain on my mental and emotional state since they will be over far too soon. For this morning though, I'm maintaing my position that Alex should have a turkey sandwhich thrown at him merely for the fact that he doesn't have to go orchestrate a peace treaty for the huge battle currently in progress over a fake piece of broccoli. Just another important task in my high profile career.


E-Man & T-Rex said...

For what it is worth, I am totally in awe of stay-at-home moms. You manage to do conflict management, crisis aversion, project management, be a nurse, schedule daily life around naps, feedings and feces all without killing a single child. I seriously, seriously don't know if I could do it. Kudos.. And keep writing about it. Someday you'll look back on these posts with nostalgia.

Brenna said...

Leslie - I was just forwarded your blog by Sabra Boone. This post has hit me so close to the core that by the time I finished reading, I had to wipe back the tears. Some from humor, but mostly from the fact that my exact feelings have just been put into words. Do you know the most beautiful words a stay-at-home mom can hear sometimes are "me too". Thanks for making my night. Thanks for knowing that the only reason I'm still up @ 11:31 PM, risking being completely exhausted tomorrow is so I can have a few minutes without my 2.5 year old son singing his favorite song non-stop. His favoriate song has one word and an infinite number of melodies. It's called "Mommy."

Have a good week. Brenna Beaver

bdogmama said...

Just found this post...a little late to the party I guess...but ME TOO! And my husband says I'm nuts when I try to articulate it. I usually don't do it as well as you did here.

Love the rest of your blog as well.