Thursday, August 26, 2010

Seriously?

I feel defeated. I feel incapable. I feel like punching my children....well, not the baby.

It has been a rough week. It has been a crappy week. It's time to push that glass of wine up from 5 pm to 4 pm sharp. Let's recap.

We had our incident, or incidents, at the grocery store on Tuesday. You can read my previous entry for a full detail of the hell Cole decided I was due.

Yesterday, Aiden screamed for 35 minutes on a bench outside the doctor's office because I rewarded his brother for listening to me by giving him a tic tac and didn't give one to Aiden...because he didn't listen. He spent 35 minutes outside screaming, "Give me one," and attempting to hit me while I waited for him to decide he could stop yelling. In the process I had an older foreign lady (I'm throwing foreign in here because she was, not because I usually have anything against foreign people, but I do not like her,) ask me if I was going to do something to calm my child down because he seemed really upset. Seriously lady? I hadn't noticed him screaming in my ear and lunging at me every few minutes. Then when shot hours were almost over I had to drag screaming Aiden upstairs to the doctor and listen to 10 minutes in the office of him screaming, "tic tac, tic tac." Seriously, it's only 1.5 calories, it's smaller than a fingernail, just listen to me and I'll give you a whole backpack full someday.

This morning Cole freaked out when I dropped him at school for the first time and his teacher looked at me like I was dropping off a mental patient without their medication, should be a good year with her. I then listened to a long speech from the director about how any child that bites will be asked to leave the preschool program, spectacular, please see prior post about Cole's new defense mechanism. I should be saving my money for alternate childcare for him, good thing no one will be getting those pricey tic tacs anytime soon.

This afternoon my children ran away and hid from me in Target, knocked down clothing, shrilled-screamed in amusement, and as I began to scream at them (and cry,) the director from their former preschool strolls by and asks me what's going on. What's going on? I wanted to turn to to her and tell her she had clearly screwed up my children at her preschool last year since they don't listen to jack I say. (Instead I politely talked to her because she really is a nice woman, I'm just really at a low point this week with the offspring and it would make me feel better to blame someone else.)

Apparently my children have decided that since returning from Indiana they are going to freak out on me at least once a day. I truly believe they have some sort of plan to alternate throwing huge tantrums so both don't fully exhaust themselves at the same time so that they can out last me and take over completely. I feel completely out of control and starting to wonder if I shouldn't be curled in the fetal position in my closet and just let them do what they want. They could eat nothing but fruit snacks and try to shoot the dog with their nerf guns.

I have lost my patience with them more often than not this week. I have no enthusiasm for making any everyday task fun or faking joy when they put their pajama bottoms on their heads instead of on their legs. I'm done. I want them to instantly listen to what I tell them to do or I want to beat them. I've been constructing clever craigslist posts in my head all day to try to convince someone to take them away. (Not Stella though because I just bought her that adorable pink bumbo seat and she is soooo stinking cute in it.)

If one more lady interrupts me in my attempt to not give in to my children's screaming so that they will be quiet and I can not be embarrassed, I might punch her. I'm busting my ass to do the right thing and I don't need anyone to try to give me tips on how to give in to my kids' tantrum so that the next time I don't give them a breath mint they feel they can kick me in the shin and get anything they want. It is humbling and humiliating enough without the input of someone I have never met.

This week will pass, things will be better and inevitably another week like this will come, and go, again. I know this is part of the deal I made when I decided to have kids, but it is painful. I have cried more this week than I have in a long time. It is so personal, so maddening when my children act out. They are an extension of me. They are my every day. I care more about my impact on them and my ability to make the right decisions with them than anything else I have ever encountered so it is brutal when it feels like I am failing....no need to email me that I'm a good Mom or that I'm not failing, I actually have an irrational amount of self esteem about being a Mom despite all of these feelings of inadequacy. I'm complicated.

(Mom, feel free to email me all your tips, questions for the doctor about my children's behavior and suggestions of articles I could read which might help with my situation because I know you can't resist.....but seriously, I'm ok.)

I will wake up tomorrow and begin our routine. I will kiss and love on my children as much as I can until they piss me off and then I will step away and possibly even cry again. I will stress over what I am doing wrong and what I'm doing right. I will think about getting rid of them, punching them, or even crawling into the closet to give up.....but I won't do those things. Soon, I will take a deep breath and I will try to kiss and love on them again, or at least stand my ground and never give them a tic tac because I love them too much to give in. It's the way it goes.

6 comments:

Stephanie said...

Hey Leslie! My little glimpse inside your life when I purchased your bassinet has me reading your blog and cheering you on! I admire you and wanted to encourage you to be strong! Aiden will be a leader, Cole will be endearing and Stella....well, God help her....she'll be a dynamic little girl!

Leslie said...

Thanks Stephanie! I appreciate you reading, and definitely appreciate the cheering...we all need that, right? I do apologize for the chaotic situation Aiden formed yesterday, but it was great to meet you!

Staci said...

could have written it word for word leslie...well, minus the stella part =) you may have convinced me that i am normal and do not need to call my dr. immediately to be put on prozac.

Staci said...

could have written it word for word leslie...well, minus the stella part =) you may have convinced me that i am normal and do not need to call my dr. immediately to be put on prozac.

Anonymous said...

HeeHee!! (Not laughing at you... only purely commiserating with you!!) Seems like a normal day at the Presnell Household!

Sure do miss you!! Haven't talked to you since you've moved!

Would love to meet your lil' girl!!
- Susan

Anonymous said...

You sound like you are in an unhappy marriage and dislike your children. You do not sound thankful for the gifts you have. You are lucky but you do not realize it.