Sunday, July 11, 2010

Bored Mom

It is late afternoon and I am bored and dreaming of having more purpose...something which requires me to shower daily or wear shoes other than flip flops. I have spent the last hour trying to find a way to bribe, threaten and entice my children to go outside and amuse themselves or harass the neighbor I saw outside across the street who is always extra interested in everything the boys have to say...probably because her kids are grown and out of the house so she doesn't have to listen to their every thought and need. I have been rearranging my sons' car and truck collection by color and size, just to have something to do that forces me to think a little. This scares me.

I am stuck inside waiting for my baby to wake up and eat before we can leave this house for something more exciting like the playground...or God forbid, the grocery store. I refuse to watch another matchbox car crash into another matchbox car and fake amazement over this spectacle. I might start screaming without end if I am asked another question about why we can't buy a real race car or what is car insurance and why would we buy something we can't see? Lord help me. I might have to start sketching four letter words into the flags of the millionth pirate ship I have been asked to draw on our dry erase board or at least make the canons into some sort of inappropriate male body part. This is why bored kids in school get into trouble.

I truly feel that staying home with my children is the most challenging endeavor I have, or ever will, take on...but let's be honest, I am straight up bored sometimes. . Yes, there is always laundry or meal planning or someone to punish but sometimes I feel like my brain isn't actually working. I spend exorbitant amounts of time thinking about whether or not my kids have pooped or not, this can't be good for my future capacity to think or solve problems. I went to college, I studied for tests, I read books about things other than vampires. I had an actual job that paid me. I had a title and people who reported to me. I solved problems that never involved fighting over a small plastic object or trying to force someone to sleep. I had to think, often.

As challenging raising my children is, I feel I could be doing more. Sometimes I feel lazy for not doing more to continue to improve myself (or more specifically my brain,) like going back to school. I could at least be volunteering to help someone else's life in some capacity. Am I lazy? Selfish? Is my brain only capable of solving issues revolving around people under the age of 5? Maybe, but I truly believe I am where I am supposed to be now. I have no question about my current place. I don't wish to have my children in daycare and I am grateful for the opportunity to be home with them as they turn into real people and not just baby blobs, but what happens when they are all in school and I am here with my shrunken brain. Will I go back to school? Will I try to get a job? Is the ability to predict when a child will poop an attractive skill to employers?

This issue is something I think about a lot during the down moments of life here at home. I sometimes feel like I could be doing so much more. But, when I am honest I feel that it isn't truly feasible while wanting to do my best for my their current ages. My sister-in-law once mentioned that this issue bothered her at moments but finds peace in the knowledge that this is just the now, just a small slice of her life. She is very wise. Our children won't always be small and need us. We won't always be involved in every bowel movement our kids have...we certainly hope. Someday they will grow and move on, if we do a good job with them now. Far too soon we'll be like my neighbor, willing to patiently listen to every thought of the small neighbor children that are excited about rolly-pollys and trips to the pool while their mom rolls her eyes and dreams for a little distance. I'm sure this will all be over before I know it, before I am ready and I will miss being bored at home with my three small children that want nothing more than me.

For now though, I am going to continue to daydream about what is next for my brain because despite the fact that this is very counter-productive at times, I can't help it. I love my kids, but hopefully can be excited about whatever is next too. Besides, this gives me something to think about while watching car crashes and drawing pirate ships.

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