Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Am I Really Having Another Baby?

Monday night I started having contractions. Not the small, potentially false labor kind but more like the strong and uncomfortable variety. I timed them and as they went from 15 minutes to 10 minutes apart I felt a strong sense of panic. I was not concerned about labor (I actually have fantastic and semi-enjoyable labors with my first two so I am not scared about that part) or about the baby being too early (I was only 36 weeks and one day,) but all of a sudden I realized I could actually be having a baby.

I do understand that I discovered the news that I would be having a baby after I peed on that $10 stick way back in September, but at that point it feels a long way away. (I did cry at that point too though.) As I sat on the couch trying to enjoy Dancing with The Stars (which is tough to do anyway) I realized everything was about to change again and I just am not ready for that. Not that anyone probably ever is.

My favorite part of every day is approximately 7 pm. At this point I am usually putting the kids to bed or they are already there. I can sit and eat dinner in peace with my husband. We can watch our mindless shows and make extremely witty (usually mine) remarks about the people on tv or tell stories about the day that usually involve marveling at the amazing things our children do and say. (I should note that marveling at them is something that I am best at once they are asleep.) We discuss Alex's job and I get to participate in a conversation that can disect and solve problems and situations that 99.9% of the time do not involve bodily functions, tantrums or me exploding with rage or tears over a seemingly small event. I feel like a person, a woman with a brain and it is awesome. I cherish this time, this wrapping up of the day....this time for me.

Unfortunately with the arrival of baby number three I know that this time will be sucked away from me. I will be exhausted from waking up multiple times in the night and will have moments when I can't speak without crying. I know that I will barely be able to finish my dinner before I will have to turn into a feeding machine again for someone else's nourishment. Alex and I will mostly be doing everything in a divide and conquer manner without any witty or complex discussions because that's the only way to survive. There will be extra people in our house which I will cherish and love desperately for helping us, but I will crave nothing more than to have the privacy and comfort of my own immediate family's routine. I will attempt to watch a tv show on our dvr but it will take me hours to watch a 30 minute show due to the interruption of a crying child or a brain too sleep deprived to follow a simple sitcom plot. I will be trapped with a nursing baby and be unable to get up to search for the remote and be forced to watch whatever is on PBS at 2 am...which is usually not good.

I will also have to struggle with a body that is still not my own even though the child that was occupying so much space inside of me has departed. She will leave flabby skin and leaking boobs. She will have left new marks of skin discoloration that I can not explain and feel obsessed with finding the right cream to remove them. I will bleed much longer than a normal period would last which is just mean. And I will I will be too small for my maternity clothes and too big for my old clothes...but too broke and discouraged to buy new ones for this hopefully transitional period.

I realize that overall the time period of being trapped with the newborn will be short and next year at this time she will probably be running away from me instead of being permanently attached to me, but right now I fear the next few months. I fear what I will feel like and how I will function. Everyone says that adding the third is easier than adding the second, but I feel that I was lied to before about the impact of even having one child so who knows what it will be like for me. I do however have that amazing perspective that no matter how horrific I feel or how chaotic life is, it will get better. I also know that I will most likely be desperately in love with this child like I am my first two so she'll probably make me pretty damn happy at moments too.

I am excited to meet my daughter. It's still strange to say daughter. (God, I hope she doesn't have a penis. I'm not taking down the pink in her room even if she does turn out to actually be a boy.) There is nothing like the feeling of finally being able to meet the person that has been moving and kicking inside me. Will she have hair? What color will her eyes be? Will she have my husband's amazing eye lashes and dark skin? I can't wait for that. I hope that I remember to be excited about that at 3 am during week two of adjusting to life with her around....ok, I am in fact positive that I will not feel grateful or excited about that at all at that time, but maybe I will remember that eventually I will be putting her to bed at 7 too. It's just going to take a little time.

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