Friday, March 5, 2010

The Nasty Side of My Pregnant Body

Just a friendly warning....if you are easily grossed out by "women's things" then I suggest you skip past this blog entry.

I am ready for this pregnancy to be over. I know it is only week 28 but this third round of baby growing is just full of uncomfortable moments that I either didn't notice, didn't have, or have forgotten since the prior two pregnancies. I think I have a pretty "easy" time being pregnant overall, but each pregnancy seems to be wearing everything down on me, literally.

I can't complain too much about the look of things (at least not with clothing and supportive under-garments on,) but the functionality has all gone to shit this round. First, the initial 12 weeks were rough with nausea. I basically had to have something in my mouth at all times to create some sort of soothing coating in my stomach. I consumed a lot of candy, bread products and water in an effort to ease my discomfort (which I bet has helped how much larger my ass currently looks,) but the sick feeling pretty much stuck around the whole time. Vegetables made me want to barf and any type of meat was off limits....except for the periodic, desperate need for a hamburger from a fast food restaurant which I could probably consume in less than 4 minutes. It was really attractive.

Weeks 1-20 also were accompanied by a monthly yeast infection. Now this was a super good time. If you haven't ever had the treat of one of these, or 5 in a row, you are missing out. A general feeling of itchy nastiness is the only thing I can say to help with some idea of how this affects someone. I have the particular pleasure of actually being one of those people that has a pretty high pain tolerance, so by the time I got around to going to the doctor each time he would make me feel super great by commenting on how he didn't understand how I was walking around. He actually told me to explain to my husband that I had "crotch rot" and nothing would be happening for a if sex were number one on my mind when I felt like my need to itch down there was so overwhelming I actually contemplated rubbing against the furniture or a backyard tree to get just a moment of relief. As if my husband were interested when this was going on anyway.

Treating a yeast infection is no fun either. Some people can take a quick prescription pill and all is better within 24 hours, but not me. I did try the pill but it unfortunately made zero impact on my "crotch rot" and managed to give me a fun 36 hours of diarrhea that should only result after eating rotten food. The next alternative, shooting a thick cream up you, only to have it ooze out slowly over the course of the next 24 hours is just plain disgusting though too. It does ease the discomfort after day 2 or 3 of treatment, but wow, could this process be more humiliating? After my third infection I was convinced that my daughter would be born covered in Monistat 7 rather than all the usual birthing goo.

When I was 7 months pregnant with Cole I managed to actually pee my pants in a Starbucks parking lot after picking up Aiden. That was fun. This time around, though no full-blown accidents have occurred (it's still early I realize,) I was forced to start using a pantyliner around week 8. Any random sneeze, cough or giggle could result in a very uncomfortable amount of urine to leak out without any previous knowledge that I even had to use the restroom. Now at week 28 I not only wear the pantyliner at all times, but I also have mastered the stop and clinch move if any laugh, sneeze or cough creeps up on me. My need to pee is usually not accompanied by a lot of warning. My two year old is probably better at holding it than I currently am. I am pretty positive that by week 34 or so I will be wearing some form of the Depends garment. And if one more person suggests I do more kegels I might freak out. I understand that they help, but I just don't think about clinching my vagina that often, I'm lucky to be thinking at all these days.

At my last ob appointment I mentioned that my stomach has been having shooting pains at the end of the day. I assumed he would have some good advice about some strange thing that must be afflicting my pregnant body, or perhaps a helpful stretch I could start doing to help things out, but no. I was told that I have no more abdominal muscle left and being the third pregnancy, this is just how it was going to be. My body is apparently too old and worn out to feel good at this point in the pregnancy. Thanks doc, now I feel better. Soon I will be wearing one of those ugly support belts in order to just walk around my house, or I will just look into getting a wheel chair for my old body.

I mentioned that I do like the fact that my boobs are bigger. It is sort of fun to fill out a bra or a shirt and have some cleavage. I have so rarely felt at all voluptuous in life, it is sort of nice to have some curves. I did ask my doctor what the odds were of them staying around and he said not good. This experience has actually made me think that breast enhancement, lift, filling or whatever you want to call it might be in my future. This probably is the one thing my husband would invest in without question, but really God....5 yeast infections, three babies, and I can't keep a little of the boob fat?

I assume surgery would be required anyway however, I mean even my larger breasts sag to the top of my pregnant belly when I don't wear a bra now, what a great feeling. I hate to imagine where my deflated, barely As will rest after nursing a third baby...and I thought it was horrifying when my left breast was noticeably larger than the right after nursing Aiden. At least my boobs were still staying only in the boob area.

While complaining about all this to my doctor recently he mentioned that earlier that morning he had delivered a baby to a 32 year old woman having her 8th...that's right EIGHTH baby. He said she looked 60 from being so worn out from bearing so many children. He also mentioned that her husband looked about 25....probably because he just gets to have sex and then escapes the war torn area of this woman's body. I don't even know where to begin to comment on everything to be said about that, but it did make me grateful to be on my last pregnancy. If I ever look 30 years older than I should due to having babies, while people are commenting on how youthful my husband looks, send a prayer or a gun my way.


MicheleF said...

Oh Leslie! How you make me laugh. Very well written and hilarious, though I know you might not think so @ this very moment.

Anonymous said...

Leslie, rarely have I laughed out loud when reading a post, thank you for your realistic, amazing and hilarious blog!