Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Will my baby girl grow a penis?

When pregnant with my first child, Aiden, I developed a (some would say irrational) fear that he would be born with a tail. I read in one of those fantasticly frightening baby development books that at some point in the fetus' development there is a tail present which grows into the body over time. My doctor tried to tell me this was unlikely, as was my fear that he could be born covered in feces (also in one of the books.) I only felt better after delivery and confirmed that there was in fact not a tail on his body and though he was disgustingly covered in all sorts of stuff, there was no poop to be seen.

I recently found out that after two boys I am having a girl and with this information I have now developed a new fear. My sonogram was conducted "illegally" through a surgeon friend's nurse and the idea that she could be wrong is constantly hauting me. With 3 weeks left until my own doctor's sonogram which I consider to be the final word in gender mind is racing.

When contemplating a third child I truly believed that I would be ok whether it was a boy or a girl, but once I had the results in an envelope waiting to open it with my husband, I felt terrified of no longer having the possibility to hope that the baby growing inside me could finally be my little girl. I love my little boys. I am grateful for them, find them halarious and marvelous, but the idea of that little girl to do girl things with and someone to throw a bow on made me actually giddy inside. As the day progressed and I waited for my husband to get home and the kids to go to bed I became more and more nervous that the envelope's contents would say "it's a boy," and I would have to start crying.

Instead of it's a boy, that sonogram picture showed a full, spread-eagle, pretty clear girl. I did cry though, with joy. My husband and I were elated to have the opportunity to have a little girl. We were excited for our little boys to have a little sister. I was still so excited about all those damn bows.

Now though my anxiety has not ceased with the knowledge of her being a girl. I have developed the fear that possibly my daugter will grow a penis. Maybe she actually is a boy and it was just tucked between her legs for the picture. Maybe she is one of those freaky kids that will be born with girl and boy parts and we'll have to pick her gender (still firm on a bow wearer.) With every little girl gift I am given, every stroll through the little girl side of gymboree, I feel I am tempting fate. Will I be punished for cheating on my ob? Will I be forced to put a bow on my third boy? Three weeks until this fear can diminish, only 21 until it can end.

Is anyone else scared of this?

1 comment:

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