Lies I Tell My Pediatrician

My baby has an upcoming pediatrician appointment and already I am trying to think through all the things I will need to lie about. I have lied about having activated charcoal in our house for the last two years. I greatly reduce the amount of juice I give my child when discussing it with the doctor. I also could not bring myself to admit that I had not started brushing the one tooth that had just appeared in my baby's mouth.

The lies started very early for me. I think the number one thing I heard about taking care of my infant was to be sure to put them to sleep on their back. Even the sleep sack I had purchased had "Back to Sleep" embrodiered on the chest so as to remind me while laying the baby in the crib. That sounds like a very safe and fantastic plan except for the fact that my kids didn't sleep on their backs, sleep only came on their stomachs. I could be very confident about this while talking to other moms or while chatting with family members, but if the pediatrician or one of the Nazi nurses mentioned it I froze and immediately lied.

I can not count the number of compliments I have received on the round heads my babies have had. I am always quick with the lie of, "really believing in tummy time during the day," ....because I am a really good Mom and I know babies need tummy time.

I also have found myself lying when I call the doctor's office to ask about something slightly off with my child like a strange rash, strange poop, strange spit-up, etc. After a few of these phone calls one quickly learns that the question about temperature will come up. I do not take my child's temperature unless he feels like he could have a fever. I do realize that every medical professional and every book I have ever read about this states that you can not rely on feeling the baby's forehead to determine a temperature...but I really think that I can....did I mention that I am a really good Mom? I also firmly believe that I should not have to stick anything up my baby's butt unless there are truly no other options.

So, every time I talk to the doctor's office about one of these problems I lie and say, "yes, I took the temperature rectally and there is no fever."

Lies planned for the next visit include....

1. The 'taken infant CPR lie' (please pray I am not asked any details about compressions and breaths).

2. The 'I have not feed my 11 month old any of the food on the danger list such as peanut butter, eggs, honey, etc. lie'.

3. The 'I am waiting until the baby turns one to turn his car seat around lie.'

Wish me luck.

Possible Stroke

I seriously think that a stroke is in my future. I make an effort to take the kids and my dog for a walk most mornings. This used to be a very peaceful way for me to leave the house without having to carry a person, pack a suitcase of gear or try to worry about how I was going to get my children out of whatever fun thing we went to do without a full blown tantrum.

Unfortunately, recently my walks have turned into my time to contemplate how high my blood pressure probably is due to the incessant amount of questions and comments and demands made by my two year old or the volume of the screams from my baby.

Aiden usually begins the walk pretty peacefully with a few seemingly innocent questions about his surroundings.

"What's that Mommy?"

"A street drain," I lovingly reply. I then follow this response with a clear, easy to understand explanation to my child about what a street drain is and how it helps us....since I am such a good Mom and I am always willing and happy to further my child's knowledge of the world.

"Mommy, I want some puffs."

"I don't have any puffs, please sit down." No problem, still walking and feeling good.

"Mommy, please give me some puffs." Aiden breaks into his high-pitched voice he uses when asked to be polite. It is pretty unpleasant to hear, resembling what I can imagine his imitation of a little girl's voice would be but I know he thinks this sound means he is being polite.

"I have already responded to your request for puffs. Please respect my answer. I do not have any puffs we can get some puffs when we get home." Feeling the beginnings of some anger, though feel I have thoroughly explained to Aiden that puffs aren't going to happen, surely there will be no further mention of them.

"Please give me some puffs Mommy. I need some puffs." Full whining now along with a few forced tears.

I suddenly feel so angry that I want to shake the entire stroller. I feel the beginnings of the tightening in my neck and shoulders, the racing of my heart, and pure anger adrenaline fueling all the responses running through my head. All the words in my head are toppling over one another as they often do when I am faced with this type of whining turned screaming.

All episodes of The Supernanny that I have ever watched are playing in my head now. The sound, calm, in control approach that I felt seemed so logical and mirror-like to my own type of parenting if I had been the Mom in any of those episodes completely escapes me and this is the best thing I can come up with...

"Aiden Kyle! If you do not sit in that seat right now you are never going to be able to have another puff again! I am going to go home and throw out all the puffs in our house. You will go to your room and sit in time out until lunch time and there will not be any puffs at lunch time. Sit, be quiet and do not talk about puffs again. Do you understand!?!?"

Serenity now, serenity now!